Wednesday, May 13, 2015

New Facebook Page for Narcissism

I didn't realize it's been so long since I blogged.  At one point in time, I had intended to post once a week.  Apparently, those were delusions of grandeur.  And besides my chronic sleep disturbance, I've also been busy starting a new page on Facebook.  This page is for narcissism, and it's growing nicely.

I had been abused and tormented for four years, but it's only been at the very end of last year that I discovered what I was dealing with: a malignant narcissist.  These kinds of relationships end with the discard phase, which, for me, was May of 2012.  And since that time, I had myself all but convinced that I was the problem.  Now I find out what this person was, and that self-doubt and self-blaming is just part of the package.

At one point in my life, if you had asked me what a narcissist was, I'd have said it was just a very arrogant, very self-indulgent person.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  Narcissists do skadwads of damage--emotional, psychological, even physical.  So for me, four years later, I had been hospitalized twice (once against my will), put on daily medication, and had attempted suicide four times.  They do skadwads of damage.

My new Facebook page is called Barbed Wire: The Narcissist Friend.  Most resources and information out there on narcissism is about narcissist spouses and family members.  There are even a few on narcissist bosses.  I found very little that were relevant to narcissist friends, and mine was aptly named: Barb.  Hence the page name, Barbed Wire.  I just reached 300 followers on that page, and I hope that it grows steadily.  I'm still tweaking what would have been called in radio, "The Format."

I love meme-ing.  It keeps my mind and my hands busy.  So I've been working on building a set for the new page.  I strive for mostly original content and very little shared material.  Some pages, all the content is shared from other pages and sites.  I'm trying to avoid that, though I do pass on good stuff that hasn't already made the rounds.

The basic purpose of the new page is the same as the Depression page: with the hopes of helping someone.  So many of us don't even realize what we're dealing with until it's too late.  It's like getting hit by a bus and then dragged for a mile and a half over rough road.  All of a sudden, you're falling apart and have no idea why.  And narcissism is the one mental illness where nothing is done for the patients, and it's the victims who end up on meds, in counseling, and in the hospital.  Many victims end up killing themselves.  It's time to start taking it seriously.

Friday, February 27, 2015

National Report's Hateful Article

The National Report is an online satire site, I refuse to call this news.  And I think the presumption is that because it's satire, it can't do any real damage.  Go to the article "10 Reasons Why People With Depression Are Annoying to be Around," and read some of the comments below.  Not the ones chastising them for publishing such heartless garbage targeting the most vulnerable and damaged segment of the population, but the ones agreeing with the writer.  Damage done.  It's satire and those people aren't responding as one would unless they took the article for truth.  Damage done.

Then a person identifying themselves as "Nigel Covington"--lord, is that a real name???--"Editor-in-Chief," steps in to excuse this trash:

"Dear readers,
I understand why people who suffer from depression see Jane’s piece as being insensitive. She’s a young person who may not share your life experiences. But there is a common message in all of your replies that attempts to educate but falls short since it only considers the view of the sufferer.
I understand the importance and desire that any depression sufferer wants support, understanding and love from those around them, but what about the person who opts out of a marriage or a relationship with someone who has depression.
For someone who decides to sever their relationship with a depression sufferer to protect their future, the future of their children, or to pursue their dream or their life’s work cannot be considered cold, cruel or insensitive. Abandoning a relationship because that relationship threatens other people’s future, livelihood, mental stability, etc., is not insensitive, cruel or a lack of understanding. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do."

No, what this article is is the most insensitive, self-indulgent, hateful piece of shit I've ever read on the subject of depression.  Because people in this modern day society just aren't self-indulgent enough yet.  So rather than pulling the article, the EIC excuses it.

 I'm not faking thing-Goddamn-Mother-Fucking-One for you.  Not one thing.

I was so pissed off, I considered writing an article titled, "10 Reasons Cancer Patients are Whiny Pains in the Ass" or "10 Reasons Diabetics Drag the Party Down," but that would have just made victims of cancer patients and diabetics.  They didn't do anything to me.  But if an article would have been written like that, it would have been trounced upon.  Nobody gives a shit about depressives and others with mental illness.

The writer of this piece of shit article is Jane M. Agni, and you can see her appropriately prissy-looking profile picture at the bottom of the article.  Jane, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.  Fuck you hard, you prissy bitch.

It doesn't take thing-one to just fucking listen when a troubled friend desperately needs someone to talk to.  Nothing at all.  Only a cold, cruel, insensitive cunt would walk away when listening is the only thing being asked of them.  A cold, cruel, insensitive cunt.  Enter Jane M. Agni.

This generation of self-absorbed kids who spend all day, every day looking down into their tiny cell phone screens have a truly bizarre, fucked up idea of what friendship is.  "I have to listen???  Are you serious???"

Empathy and compassion ARE FUCKING BASIC.  If you do not possess those basic attributes, you are diagnose-ably deranged.  Even a toddler who doesn't yet understand English has an impulse to hug someone who is crying.  I see pictures of it all the fucking time.  So what do you think friendship is?  We just shop together and eat together and get drunk together and that's it?  Yeah, keep thinking that, while depression is damn-near epidemic and people are cracking up all over the place.  Keep thinking that.

Jane, fuck you.  Fuck you, you ignorant, self-absorbed cunt.  You Godless, soulless cunt.  Fuck you.

Any real EIC would have pulled that article.  More than that, it never would have seen the light of day.  National Report is apparently a rag that can't even do satire right.  They should pull the article and apologize to the MILLIONS of depressives in this country.  Piece of shit rag.

There are illegitimate journalists out there who thrive on negative attention.  Why?  Because they go unnoticed with they just do their job, and they're incapable of competently doing their jobs.  Jane falls into that category.

Oh, and none of these statements are true.  The preceding was all satire.  Hope you had a good laugh, but satire's harmless.  It was all in fun.

How do you fucking like it?

Friday, February 13, 2015

Who's the Narcissist?

I took the Narcissist quiz developed by Robert Raskin and Howard Terry.  I scored a 2.  Per that quiz, scores over 20 indicate a narcissist.  You have to answer each question honestly or the quiz is no good.  There's the inherent flaw in the quiz.  Narcissists lie.  That's their modus operandi.  How does anyone score over 20 on this test?  People who are not NPD will score low, and those with NPD will still score under 20 because they will lie.  Unless their intelligence is very low, they can easily tell which answers will cast them in a bad (in other words, an accurate) light.  Unlikely, since intelligence is a requirement for narcissism.  They're not stupid.  By a long shot.

Despite the fact that this test was devised by qualified professionals, and despite my very favorable score, I didn't believe it to be an accurate gauge of narcissism.  In many ways, it was like one of those user-created quizzes on facebook.  All the available answers were so transparent, one could easily lie by selecting the response that is more virtuous, rendering the result meaningless.

I follow a few narcissism pages on facebook, and what I find troubling is that many of the traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are traits I also possess.  So finally realizing that my best friend, a person I came to view in every imaginable way as a full-blood sister, was a narcissist--a "Malignant Narcissist"--I came to realize that I also might be one, too.


So I took that online test, and was briefly comforted by that score of 2.  No, it might not be an accurate measure at all.  I have to dig deeper, even if I "get some on me."

I began scouring reputable sources for information, and came up with wildly varying lists, from 10 to 50.  I pulled them all, eliminating duplicates, and will go one by one through the list, comparing my traits and my ex-friend's traits.  Also, traits/signs that are specific to romantic relationships have been discarded, as they don't pertain here.

The higher the score, the more narcissism that exists.  Perhaps at the end, I'll find out that we were just two raving narcissists that clashed on multiple occasions over the course of four years.  Wish me luck.   

MN = Malignant Narcissist.  MEWA = Most Evil Woman Alive, a nickname/acronym playfully given to my ex-friend by another friend (who's since passed away) back in the days when I didn't know what the hell was going on.  It's appropriate now, considering I see it as 100% accurate.  Also, the score will be added after each question, and not only at the end.  I'm just not good at math, and this will be much easier for me. 

In addition, I'm always listed first.  Because if I'm going to accuse someone of something, I first need to look at me.  I could also be guilty.  I already know she's a narcissist.  The point of this exercise is actually to consider whether I'm a narcissist, too.  And here we go....

1) MN blames everyone but themselves.

ME:  I will blame others if I feel others are culpable.  I will also blame myself if I know damn well I've been the instrument of my own undoing.  And yes, the latter is frequently the case.  Score: 0

MEWA:  Will rarely own a mistake or error.  Overwhelmingly, will blame another person or blame a circumstance she has deemed as being beyond her control, whether it actually is or not.  Does not blame others as an absolute, so I'm scoring a fraction here.  Score: .75

2) MN refuses to be accountable for their bad behavior.  Excuses everything they do.

ME: I've caught myself doing this on occasion, though rarely.  I'm also virtually a hermit right now, so I don't have a lot of opportunity for this either.  Score: .25

MEWA:  Excuses everything she does, no matter how well you prove your point, no matter how egregious the behavior or who it harms.  Score: 1.75

3) MN believes they're always right.

ME:  Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll no.  Now, if I'm convinced I'm right, you can bet your ass I'll hang on like a spider monkey.  Why?  Because there's no virtue in conceding to wrongness for the sake of diplomacy, but more than that, I am NEVER EVER EVER allowed to be right about anything on earth or in outer space.  This drives me up a damn wall.  The default position is that I'm wrong, and we immediately act upon that unless/until 1) I am proven right, or 2) my opinion/position is verified by outside sources.  I could be right a hundred times and she'll never admit it even once.  She could be wrong a hundred times and never admit it even once.  I could take a point on this one, but I'm not going to.  I'm pissed the fuck off, I don't hang on with petty things, and even more than that, when I'm wrong, I own the hell out of that.  Holding steady at....  Score: .25

MEWA:  Absolutely never ever ever admits being wrong on anything at all.  Ever.  Not even as a joke.  Not on marshmallows or nuclear bombs, or anything in between.  It doesn't matter what the issue or topic, she's right and I'm wrong.  I could hit her with 2 points on this one, she's so unmovable, but I won't.  Score: 2.75

4) MN is unable to empathize with others' feelings and needs.

ME:  I empathize too much.  I hear about someone else's problems or some tragic event, and I sit there stewing over it, crawling all up inside it until I've made myself sick to my stomach and have a raging headache.  Score: .25

MEWA:  I know from experience--from begging and pleading in desperation that I need somebody to talk to--I WAS SUICIDAL, 4 ATTEMPTS--and got the door slammed in my face.  She has 0 capacity for empathy.  It's as though she has no soul.  Score: 3.75

5) MN is out of touch with their own feelings.

ME:  No, I feel mine too much.  I argue that sane people are a range of emotions, and that people who are happy all the time are deranged, and I stick to that opinion.  Score: .25

MEWA:  Not so much, not that I could see, but she doesn't show other emotions around other people.  Still not a gig, and she's holding at..... Score: 3.75

6) MN carries grudges.

ME:  Here's one I'm going to have to own.  I carry a grudge haaaaaaaaaaarrrddddd.  I'll take the hit.  Score: 1.25

MEWA:  Also carries grudges.  Every problem she told me about was some slight done to her years ago, mostly familial but some by friends.  Still, I think I carry one so much better than she does, so she gets a fraction on this one, just a half a point.  Score: 4.25

7) Everything's all about MN, their time, money, and wants.

ME: No.  I'm a doormat and always defer conversations to being about the other person.  If I'm having a problem, yeah, I'd tell you about it, especially by email or IM.  Face-to-face, not so much.  Now, I won't do it at all.  After my experience with MEWA, never ever again in my life will I tell anyone anything of substance or value about me.  No one gets inside the perimeter ever again.  I got burned too hard.  But no, I never was one to go on and on about myself.  This is why I also loathe one-on-one conversations.  There has to be at least three people, and they better be holding up the conversation all by themselves.  Do I control situations so that all focus and efforts are toward my needs and wants?  No, I don't do that either.  Score: 1.25

MEWA: Yes, yes, and yes, both in conversations and concerted efforts.  It's as though she calculates her wants minute-by-minute, and that becomes a quest for us both.  Score: 5.25

8) MN is unwilling to listen.

ME:  Because I know what it's like to have something eating away at you, and needing desperately to tell someone, I ALWAYS listen.  I've had people pour their hearts out to me at a bus stop.  And MEWA has told me problem after problem after problem: all her issues with her mother, updates on what happened all the times she visited her mother in the hospital while she was dying, her issues with her father, issues with her brothers--one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she does not have a good relationship, how she feels like a fish in a bowl with all the women at her church and how they talk about her, how some 40-something man was after her 20-something daughter, how she's concerned with her husband's behavior because he's been saving bags of ice in the freezers, on and on and on.  I was there.  I NEVER shut someone down or shut them out.  I listen.  Still at....  Score 1.25

MEWA: Totally, completely, 100% unwilling to listen.  She all but told me to fuck off.  And told me it was for my own good that she would not be there when I needed to vent.  This is the one main reason it all fell apart, and why I ended up in the hospital twice.  Listening is basic.  Listening is what friends do.  There is NO excuse.  She gets double points for this one.  Score: 7.25

9) MN constantly tells you what to do.

ME:  Ordering people around?  No.  Score: 1.25

MEWA: Yes.  She orchestrates all around her, especially with family.  Her daughter is grown, but she exercises a great deal of control over her life, and her husband as well.  She'd deny it to her last breath, but would still be full of shit.  With friends, she obviously can't enforce control, but manipulates and punishes to control.  Score: 8.25

10) MN makes you feel like you're not good enough.

ME:  I know for a fact I don't do this to anyone.  Score: 1.25

MEWA: Yes, but I can't swear it's intentional, so I'll give her a pass on this one.  I could just be overly paranoid or seeing something that isn't there.  I always see myself as being below others.  Score: 8.25

11) MN never asks about you, your day, your feelings, etc.

ME:  I don't go out of my way with this anymore.  In addition to no longer telling anyone about my life or problems, I guess it follows that my interest in the lives and problems of others falls by the wayside.  I do still ask my friends how they are, especially my friend back in PA who has chronic health problems.  I suppose I'm about normal in this regard.  I don't ask people, "how are you?" for the purpose of having them say, "I'm fine," like call-and-response.  If I ask, I actually want to know.  Score:  1.25

MEWA:  She will always ask how you are.  If you answer with anything other than, "I'm fine," some punitive action will follow.  Knowing that you are lying because you realize she doesn't give a rat's ass to learn the truth, that makes no difference to her at all.  "I'm fine" is the only acceptable answer.  Ever.  Score: 9.25

12) MN goes on and on about how good they are, bragging and gloating.

ME: I am very uncomfortable with this, because it will be met (usually) with some sort of compliment.  If I do tell you, I will usually debase myself afterward or quickly change the subject, usually to the other person.  My self-esteem is shot to shit.  Score: 1.25

MEWA: Constant bragging and gloating.  After her last silent treatment (which lasted a week) she renewed contact with me for the sole purpose of gloating.  She will brag about herself, her husband, and her daughter, as well as her church.  Gloat, gloat, gloat.  About money, status, promotions, graduations, successes of every shape and flavor.  If she was in the army, she'd be stationed at Fort Bragg.  Score: 10.25

13) MN lies or twists the truth.

ME: No twisting the truth, but yes, I'll lie my ass off if it's a case of something that doesn't pertain to you or affect you at all, but preserves my privacy.  You just don't need to know my business.  For instance, when I went into the hospital in January of 2014 (my second hospital admission and the only voluntary one), I told my neighbor that I was out of state visiting a friend, and instructed my son to tell that same lie to whomever asked.  A lie is a lie, though.  Half point for lying, 0 for not twisting.  Score: 1.75

MEWA:  Twisting the truth, yes.  In spades.  It's only because her perception is so skewed for bias, that no thought, event, or opinion can pass through it and come out straight on the other side.  As to lies, I know of at least one lie of omission, and it pertains to me and makes me mad as hell.  I was living in PA and doing very badly.  She suggested I move to Buffalo, and let me stay with her until I found an apartment.  She tells people this, but does NOT tell them that for staying with her for three weeks, I 1) cleaned the shit out of her house--floors on hands and knees, scrubbed her bathrooms and laundry room to within an inch of their lives, emptied and scrubbed all cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms inside and out, emptied and scrubbed the refrigerator inside and out, and was doing laundry, and 2) that I paid her $740.  That burns my ass.  Her rumors have gotten back to me three times.  And the omission was to make me appear to be an ungrateful cunt.

And lies, yes.  In spades.  I had to think on this one a lot harder.  That original persona, the wonderful person that I found never existed.  HUGE LIE.  Mirroring, and then the mask falls off.  I asked her point-blank what happened to the person I met and why did she kill her off.  I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with.  This woman is incapable of honesty.  
Score: 13.25

14) MN manipulates.

ME: This is another one I'd like to think I'm squeaky clean on, but I'll admit to doing it on occasion, though it took inner-reflection after the fact to realize it.  I'd say it's done on a subconscious level, and wasn't intended or malicious.  Regardless, I can't stand manipulation.  I honestly don't think I deserve more than a half a point on this one, but I'll take a whole one, just to be sure.  Score:  2.75

MEWA:  Holy mother of Jeebus.  I think monitoring your 20-something daughter's facebook page and even logging in to it when your daughter has accidentally left herself signed in is quite manipulative.  And this is just one example.  Cops to manipulating her husband on occasion, though she does it quite a lot.  Drives him like a car, and he's oblivious. Holy shit, she buys 2 points on this one.  Sorry, but holy fuck.  Score: 15.25

15) MN tells people different versions of a story, making themselves look good.

ME: No.  This is foreign to me.  Score: 2.75

MEWA: No as well.  Successive tellings of a particular story might get slightly more grandiose, but was never a problem.  Happens with many--every time you tell the story, the fish gets a little longer.  The actual story doesn't vary.  No problem, and unintentional.  Score: 15.25

16) MN talks about people with regard to what they do rather than who they are.

ME: No.  And I'm aware of this, as I was a roommate/friend with two women about 15 years ago when I was working at the local radio station.  They introduced me to everyone they knew, in this fashion: "This is our friend, Yvette.  She works at the radio station."  Huge turnoff when it's done like that.  Score: 2.75

MEWA: She's very aware of status, and occupation is very important to her, as it indicates how much money you make.  But, no, she doesn't talk about people in these terms.  Just goes out of her way to find out what they do, especially if they're interested in her daughter.  She believes in arranged marriages, and thinks she should have a role in whom her daughter dates or marries.  Bizarre.  Still not worth more than a half a point.  Score: 15.75

17) MN mistrusts others.

ME: Yes.  Totally.  There isn't a person on earth I'd trust with the smallest matter, and not as far as I could throw them.  I expect anything out of anyone at any point in time.  I divulge nothing, as any little thing could be used against me.  Trust in others is at 0%, and I'll take 2 strikes against me for this one.  Glad to do it.  Stay outside my perimeter at all times.  I wouldn't trust a soul with a cupcake.  Nooooooooooo.  Score: 4.75

MEWA:  Trust never seemed to be an issue with her.  She lost mine but I never saw her as overly distrustful of others.  Score: 15.75

18) MN does not take part in any kind of activity they do not like or have no interest in.

ME: I will make every attempt to do things that others like, though I don't like them or have never tried them.  The only exception is eating bizarre foods--I'm not Andrew Zimmern, I have a fully functional gag-reflex.  And the other exception is any exercise in stupidity.  I don't engage in fuckedup-edness of any kind.  I won't go out drinking or drugging with you, and whoring around and stealing are out of the question.  There's a reason my life is virtually drama-free.  I don't and won't get caught up in bullshit.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Will not do anything that she doesn't like, including always picking the restaurant.  In spades.  I once asked her if she'd come along with me fishing.  She could sit in her lawn chair and read or we could talk.  Never would she even consider it.  If we went out do to anything at all, she picked the activity and the place.  Every single time.  Score: 16.75

19) MN takes advantage of others.

ME: No.  Honestly, no.  For example, for my birthday, my neighbor is taking me and my son to the Chinese buffet.  However, she also tried to buy me a carton of cigarettes.  They're only $17.50 where I live, but I gave her the money.  Then she tried stuffing it inside the carton.  I discovered it, and put it back on the table before I left.  No, I feel like dirt when people do things for me and I cannot reciprocate in kind.  And since I have no income right now, I can't really reciprocate.  I'm just not devious in this fashion.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: You cannot be in her life unless you're serving a purpose, whether it's attention, adoration, monetary, or what have you.  Does she go out of her way to exploit that advantage?  With her husband, yes.  With everybody else, not so much.  Still worth half a point.  If you're not bringing something to the table, you've got to go.  Score: 17.25

20) MN is controlling.

ME: No.  I wish I could control something.  I have zero control in my own life.  Honestly, no.  Not even a little bit.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Holy fuck.  If it's in orbit around her, she must have total control.  This is a person who believes she should choose a man for her daughter, and she drives her husband like a car.  Holy shit.  That's two points, and she's getting off easy.  Was trying to dance me around like a puppet on a string.  This more than anything else should have been enough to show me what I was dealing with, and not being fully aware what all narcissism is, I missed it completely.  Holy friggin' fuck.  Score: 19.25

21) MN is all about image and how they look to others.

ME: I walk around in two tore-up winter coats, one worn on top of the other, looking homeless.  If it's clean and it fits, I'll wear it.  I should post a picture.  Status, possessions, wealth mean nothing to me.  I'm not at all dazzled by sparkly things.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Money, status, possessions mean everything to her.  Just to illustrate, she got an ebook published, a novella about 60 or so pages long, with an online publisher where you design your own cover.  So obviously, NOT Random House.  Still, she had a photographer do up a set of headshots for her.  Overkill.  Way.  100% fueled by ego and image.  Headshots?  Holy shit.  In addition, she had bookmarks printed up with one of her headshots on it, and mugs with the cover photo on it.  Well aren't we fabulous.  Who the fuck does that???  Her head wouldn't fit in an airplane hangar without touching the sides.  Score: 21.25

22) MN has no sense of right and wrong.

ME: Very very strong sense of right and wrong.  Very.  Overly strict for most people, even posers. Screwed myself over on many occasion trying to adhere to 'the code.'  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Somewhat has a sense, but it's bizarre in spots.  I'd say it's good for half a point.  Thinking Christians can do whatever they want and still go to heaven, and non-Christians are the only ones who have to abide the commandments.  Yeah, fucked up.  Score: 21.75

23) MN is a conversation hoarder.  When you try to talk about your problems or things bothering you, do they bend the conversation back to them, talking about themselves?

ME: I don't like the conversation on me at all, and constantly steer it outward whenever and wherever possible.  When I was desperately trying to talk through my issues, yes, I'd be trying to talk about me.  That always got shut down like an iron gate.  No more.  I'll never try to confide in another human being again as long as I live.  Goes hand-in-hand with my shitty sense of self-esteem.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Another 'holy fuck' moment.  Where do I begin?  Every single fucking time without a single exception, the conversation is steered back to her, yanked if necessary, dragged kicking and screaming.  Resistance is futile.  Two points, and again, getting off easy.  Score: 23.75

24) One-upping.

ME: No.  I can't recall me doing this even once.  Score: 4.75

MEWA: Yes, must always be on top.  Not one of our major issues though.  I'll keep it to half a point.  Score: 24.25

25) Acting jealous.

ME: Yes, I can cop to being jealous.  I have absolutely nothing in life, and always think how much easier things would be if I had enough money to pay my bills and go fishing.  Jealous of those who have someone in their life?  Very.  Very much so.  I'm alone and will die alone, and that thought haunts me like a demon.  Jealous of possessions, no.  I'm not into jewelry at all, and gadgets, not really.  My laptop, and that's about it.  I'll take a point on this one, though I'm sure a half a point would do.  Score: 5.75

MEWA: Not really.  Score: 24.25

26) MN is critical and judgmental.

ME: Extremely.  Score: 6.75

MEWA: Slightly less extremely.  Score: 25

27) MN does not know or value the real you, and doesn't want to.

ME:  If there's just nothing to you, no depth, dimension, or substance, I don't want to know you.  And yes, I know that sounds bad.  Sorry, but the point of this exercise is to be honest, and here, it spares me a point.  I both want to know and value the real you, not the bullshit you that we all put on when around others.  Score: 6.75

MEWA:  Does not want to dig deep with anyone at all.  Demands you fake everything for her.  This was another huge point of contention, and I told her more than once, "Don't ask any questions you don't want honest answers to."  Pissed me off.  Hard.  Score: 27

28) MN acts as if the world should revolve around them.

ME:  No way.  Not even a little bit.  Some consideration would be nice.  Score: 6.75

MEWA:  You are either a moon in her orbit or you're shot dead out of the sky.  Score: 29

29) MN appears phony.

ME:  Not even enough for my own good.  Score: 6.75

MEWA:  Not in the beginning and that's how she reeled me in.  Boy, did she do a 180 overnight, and it was first apparent on her facebook page.  She completely stopped posting natural-sounding, casual, down-to-earth posts about family and friends, replaced her picture with one of those fake-ass, pretentious headshots, and started posting like an ego-maniacal automaton.  In many ways, this MN murdered the woman who had become my sister, and left behind this hideous corpse.  Score:31

30) Wild, extreme mood swings.

ME:  Yes.  Totally wish I could lie about this one.  God would strike me dead with a lightning bolt.  And it got worse as time wore on and I realized my friend was dead.  Score: 7.75

MEWA:  No.  Always even-tempered.  Never losing it.  She's like the person who never gets into a car accident, but leaves massive, twisted wreckage in her wake.  Her purpose was to set me off, not to flip out herself.  One would think that even moods were more narcissistic, but that's not the information I found, so she gets off scot-free here.  Score: 31

31) MN is competitive.

ME:  Not really.  I guess it depends on the nature of the competition, but no, not really competitive.  And I'm so used to losing, it's never a surprise.  Score: 7.75

MEWA:  Yes, and she admits it.  It doesn't matter the contest or the stakes, she must prevail.  She will throw herself into it 100%, and if she doesn't come out on top, it's like she hates herself. She loves to excel in something that she's never done before, because it's such a slap in the face to others who have been at it for years, and lost to her.  Totally.   Score: 33

32) MN always has to have things their way.

ME:  Again, so used to not getting things my way, that I'm surprised when on rare occasion, it actually happens.  Score: 7.75

MEWA:  Yes, must orchestrate all proceedings.  Totally.  Score: 35

33) Rules do not apply to the MN.

ME:  When someone skirts the rules, no matter how small, it burns my ass for days.  Score: 7.75

MEWA:  Sees herself as part of a very select group of people for whom the rules do not apply.  See Christian reference above.  Score: 37

34) MN has disregard for others' feelings, thoughts, opinions, possessions.

ME:  No.  Opinions sometimes, if I think they're batshit crazy or they're about one of my trigger issues, like pornography or drug use.  Yeah, I'll come out swinging and won't be polite about it at all.  With everything else, I have total regard and respect.  I deserve a half point.  Score: 8.25

MEWA:  Possessions, not so much, but with everything else, oh hells yeah.  See above, #1-33.  Just a totally self-obsessed bitch.  Should hit her with 2 on this one, but I'll restrain myself.   Wait, sorry, no.  She deserves 2 and will get 2.  Fuck it.  The truth is the truth, and this one's part of her wickedness.  Score: 39

35) Trophy complex: This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.

ME:  No.  I never understood this kind of thing.  Score: 8.25

MEWA:  Yeeeeeeeeeeeessss.  I obviously can't say anything about 'sexually.'  Everything else, hell the fuck yeah, especially religiously and financially.  I was told about her husband's job as in he makes a shitload of money, his promotion and another shitload of money, and that when he dies, she'll be "quite well off."  Told me her husband's health problems, including a previous issue with colon cancer, were likely due to the chemicals he's exposed to at work, but she'd never want him to quit because he wants her to have nice things, and that his pay keeps her "living in a manner to which (she's) accustomed."  That job could be killing her husband, but look at all that above.  Every single time she's talked about her husband, it's been in terms of money.  Wicked and soulless as fuck.  She gets 2 just for that.   Score: 41

36) Entitlement.  MN expects preferential treatment from others.

ME:  No.  It would be nice once in a while, but I expect it not at all.  Score: 8.25

MEWA:  Yes.  Totally.  From every conceivable direction.  Score: 43

37) Charismatic, charming, persuasive.

ME:  Every once in a while, I can pull off the charming thing, but a definite 'no' on the others.  Not worth more than a quarter of a point.  Score: 8.50

MEWA:  Yes, on all three.  Especially the first one.  She's very charismatic, particularly from the church angle.  Score: 45

38) Exaggerated sense of self-importance.

ME:  I have an exaggerated sense of being worthless, of no merit or consequence.  It actually works in my favor here.  Score: 8.50

MEWA:  See section above wherein she published a 60-page novella, and proceeded to get bookmarks, mugs, and headshots done.  The only way she could have gone more overboard was if she had commissioned a sky-writing, and I don't spend a lot of time looking up, so I can't swear that she hadn't.  Score: 47

39) MN spreads and arouses negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance.

ME:  I've told too many lies to build someone up, this person in particular, especially when I had to fawn over her, trying to alleviate her concerns over her weight and appearance.  It's a definite 'no' on this one.  I don't like to make people feel shitty about themselves or be divisive.  Score: 8.50

MEWA:  Yes, especially from the church angle.  This is why she never comforts, supports, or encourages.  Score: 47

40) MN desires and displays high status through material items.

ME:  See above, where I explain that my coat is actually two coats worn on top of one another, and both are ratty as hell.  I have very few material items to display, unless the high status I want to exhibit is that of a homeless person.  My car is an eleven-year-old Aveo.  There's only one other more modest vehicle on the planet, and it's lashed to a team of oxen.  Score: 8.50

MEWA:  Yes, gadgets and gizmos galore.  She enjoys posturing.  Denies it, but does it.  She orders underwear off the internet, and doing so while living within driving distance of 5 Walmarts.  Seriously?  Underwear?  Designer underwear.  Mmkay.   Score: 49

41) On Facebook, they have lots of friends, self-promoting, broader networks.

ME:  I have 16 friends on facebook, and a message in my banner to not send any friend requests.  Facebook is a joke, imo.  Sorry.  I don't like knowing or being around lots of people.  I should probably be penalized for going too far in the opposite direction.  I'm becoming misogynistic by the second.  Score: 8.50

MEWA:  Had over 1,500 when we stopped speaking.  And her posts are all reviews and advertisements of one kind or another.  Score: 51

This is my facebook banner.  Does this look like the banner of someone trying to collect friends on that site?

42) Averse to criticism.

ME:  Depending on the criticism, I can be either self-effacing or very defensive and hurt.  I'll take a half point on this one.  I do it, just not across the board in all instances.  I'm definitely touchier about my writing.  Score: 9

MEWA: Yes.  Not any worse than me, though, so it'll be the same half a point.  Score: 51.50

43) Defensiveness and reactive anger if they are not recognized or don't get their way.

ME:  If I don't get my way?  No.  Not at all.  Defensiveness and reactive anger about other things?  Yes, but that's not the question, so I don't have to eat a point here.  Score: 9

MEWA:  Defensiveness, yes.  Anger, reactive or otherwise, no.  She's very even-tempered.  Half point.  Score: 52

44) Money-lust.  MN loves nice things.

ME:  I desire money only insofar as I wouldn't constantly be living on the very verge of homelessness or getting something shut off or having to go to the food bank at the end of every month.  I don't dream of wealth.  Score: 9

MEWA:  Totally.  As I said before, the only times she ever talked to me about her husband, it was in terms of money.  Ego, money, and status are all that matter to her.  Score: 54

45) MN needs constant admiration, fawning, and reassurance.

ME:  Encouragement would be nice.  Do I need it?  Yes.  Who doesn't?  Am I high maintenance or demand constant attention?  No.  Do I get it either way?  No, and least of all from MEWA.  Score: 9

MEWA:  Yes, her weight, her hair, her clothes (the dreaded culottes), her writing, on and on and on.  I always had to fawn over her.  Always.  Score: 56

46) Silent treatments that go on for days, weeks, and months.

ME:  No.  This is childish.  Wildly so.  Score: 9

MEWA:  All the God Damn mother friggin' time.  Days, weeks, months.  Totally ignoring me.  I called her on it, and she denied it was punitive, though it always followed some perceived infraction of mine.  Gigged two points, one for doing this to me with fervor and elan, and the other for lying about it.  Score: 58

47) MN does not reflect on or examine themselves.

ME:  I spent hours working on this.  Proof that I do entirely too much reflecting on and examining myself for faults and errors.  Score: 9

MEWA:  Um, no.  She defaults to the idea that what she thinks, says, and does is 100% correct, and just goes from there.  No inner-reflection or examination at all.  Score: 60

48) MN never apologizes for anything.

ME:  I've apologized to enemies, including this one--MEWA.  That's how I was raised.  Score: 9

MEWA:  You'd have better luck pulling stars out of the sky and lightning bolts out of a dog's butt than getting an apology from her.  No matter what she does, this is where her line is drawn--apologies.  Will never happen.  And as my father taught me, a person who will not apologize is weak.  You will have those who will begrudgingly apologize if prodded, but only if you'll agree to swap apologies.  They apologize for what is owed, and you have to come up with something to apologize to them for, as though in doing that, you both come out even and it costs them nothing.  That's also weak, but MEWA won't even go that far.   Score: 62

49) Avoids intimacy at all costs.  (Does not refer here to sexual intimacy.  Refers to getting close to any other person on any real level.)

ME: I get sucked in almost immediately.  I consider this a flaw and a defect, and I'm actively working to correct it.  Score: 9

MEWA:  Does not go deep with any other human being on earth.  This was another chronic complaint of mine, and not realizing at the time that I was dealing with a Malignant Narcissist, I had no idea that it was a common symptom of NPD.  You ride on the absolute outside with MEWA at all times.  Friendship is a purely facial relationship.  No talking, no confiding, nothing at all.  To her, friendship meant that you went out to eat and you went shopping together.  Beyond that, you served a purpose for her.  In my case, I was beta-reading for her.  Once I'd finished her manuscript, her critiques on my writing just turned to shit, 100% fueled by ego, and not nearly as thorough as they'd been in the past, and she no longer needed me for anything anymore.  There was no 'getting to know you.' Has a truly bizarre idea of what friendship is, and it's all one way--her way.  Score: 64

50) Harbors sadistic fantasies in which they have control or power over others.

ME: I have to eat some points on this one.  Some of the fantasies are very disturbing.  They involve righting many of the things I consider wrong--mostly in very brutal ways, and getting revenge on those who have hurt me deeply.  This is a new criteria I just found, and I hate to have to add it, but I don't do myself any favors if I don't do a thorough examination.  I deserve 2 points for this one.  Score: 11

MEWA:  Not that I could say.  If she ever did, she kept it to herself or hid it very well, just as I did.  Score: 64

So that's it.  Not as good as the 2 I scored on the online quiz, but this one's more accurate, in my opinion.  I did better at the end than in the beginning and middle.  In the middle, I thought I might catch up to her.

Yes, I have some narcissistic tendencies.  That doesn't make me happy, but I can easily see who was the problem here.  All the torment and abuse I suffered was not imagined.  At least now, I know what NPD is and how to spot it.  Next time, I run fast and far in the opposite direction.  Take it from me, it's absolutely terrifying to let someone get that far and deep into your head and heart.  Never ever again.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Tormented by a Narcissist

Why blog about my tormenter?  Because once again, rumors have gotten back to me.  I'm fed up.  Narcissists are always charismatic.  They're charming, and can influence people.  Everyone that meets you feels like they've found the lost island of Atlantis.  Wow, how could such a person exist?  What is the reason for this?  So that they can abuse and torment just one person as much as they want and to their heart's content, and no one will ever believe the victim.  This is similar to rapists who only ever rape old or fat or ugly or otherwise undesirable women.  Then you scream, "rape," and they stand there saying, "why on earth would I rape that??"  Well, because pussy is pussy, and every rapist knows that.  But with that kind of woman, he can get away with it.  No one will believe her.  Hence the charismatic narcissist.  You cry foul and look like a fool or outright crazy.  You're being gas-lighted.  So was I.

So my tormenter is spreading rumors about me, and half-truths.  Two other friends of ours, Tami and Kathy, were told all these lies and are convinced of their validity.  Did either think to ask my side?  Of course not.  Barb, you're telling everyone you moved me out to New York, and telling NO ONE that for staying in your house for three weeks, 1) I scrubbed the shit out of your house literally on my hands and knees, and 2) I paid you $740.  Why are you leaving all this out?  Because if you include this information, you can't make me look like the ungrateful leech you insist I was.  

What's really annoying is the claim that I am actually the narcissist.  Gee, if I'm the narcissist, why do YOU have all the symptoms?  I found out only recently that my former "friend," Barb, was a narcissist. "Friend" is in quotes because I only know now we were never friends.  Ever.  I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. I thought I had found a long-lost sister--that's how close things got. Then I see pages and articles on narcissism, and wow, everything right on down the line added up.  Check the symptoms above, or on any site about narcissism.  

In 2008, I descended into the deepest, darkest depression of my life, and I'm now 51. And what I needed was just someone to talk to. That's a friend, right?  It's not much to ask, and it's part and parcel of friendship, right?

Not with this friend. She never ever admitted to ever being wrong on anything. Ever.  More than that, I was never allowed to be right on anything.  At all.  Ever.  She was never wrong and nothing was ever her fault.  Narcissist.  That's 'classic narcissist.'

I tried to talk to her, and every single conversation was either 1) redirected back to her, talking about her, or 2) shut down completely like an iron gate. And this despite the fact that she told me about every problem she ever had in life, every whine and belly ache and butt hurt.  I submit in evidence: IMing me while at her in-laws, how they don't include her and how they make her feel inadequate (IMing me while in the room with them, both shady and slimy); every issue she ever had with her mother, too many to list; every issue she ever had with her father; how she's the black sheep never to be accepted by her parents, but yet the only one to step up while her mother was dying, because she is the victim; her two brothers--one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she doesn't have a good relationship; and omg, a 40-year-old man is after her 20-something daughter; her husband, Rob, who is beginning to display odd behavior--stock-piling bags of ice in the freezer like ice cubes are a key survivalist supply; how everyone at her church is jealous of her and thinks she's an ego-maniac and talks about her behind her back.  If I wasn't there for her each and every time, how do I know all this crap about her life?  Because every time she had a butt hurt, she came running to me, and I listened.

On and on and on, and I did the friend thing. I was there to listen every single time. At no point in time was she ever there for me, even as I BEGGED, that I needed to talk, I needed her to listen so I could get some things off my chest. I was in anguish. I got the door slammed in my face.  Narcissists are never ever there for you.  Ever.  Another symptom.

I should have seen a few signs, given she admits to sitting around laughing at people--the people on the news, Catholics (favorite target), etc, and only ever spoke about her husband in terms of money--how much he makes, how she's going to be "very well off when he dies," his promotion and how much more money he'll be making.  He's a sucker and doesn't even know it.  No problem, so was I.  A sucker.  And he's not blameless himself.

I got no encouragement or support, though I constantly had to fawn over her--she feels fat and her hair, she says, is 'frizzy.' I'm constantly encouraging her about that because she's self-conscious about her appearance. We're both into writing, and I'm encouraging her about that. I need encouragement and support, and get nothing at all but criticism and the door slammed in my face.  Narcissist.

I had to constantly hear about how her in-laws don't like her and people at her church are talking about her behind her back, to convince me she's the victim.   Of course she's the victim.  The narcissist is always the victim.  That's the narcissist's trademark and battle-cry.  Narcissist.

I'm in the darkest place of my life, and she can't see that. She can't see my loneliness or my desperate need for a confidant. All she can see is her needs and wants.  Narcissists never see beyond themselves and their own wants and whims.  Narcissist.

She never gave an inch but demanded a mile. Once she decided not to do something, there was no moving her. Everything had to go her way. Hey, all I need is someone to talk to. I am scared, angry, lonely, and in anguish. All I need is someone to talk to. That's what friends are for, and I've done it for you countless times. I get the door slammed in my face.  Narcissist. 

I went into psychological and emotional tailspin, and with my engines on fire and my plane heading for a mountain-side, she watched me go down in flames without a care in the world or any effort to help me.   In fact, she insisted on trying everything else but what I needed.  Only that which she was willing to do, because if you take a man stranded in the desert and you give him money or a new suit or an ipod, he'll still die slowly and painfully if denied water.  And more than that, he will have NEVER asked for money, clothes, or gadgets.  When he's not appreciative of those things, there will be a logically solid reason why.  And you will still have murdered him.  Because why you're giving him all those things he never needed and never asked for, you stood there with a cooler just full to bursting with water, and drinking bottle after bottle after bottle.  You didn't share a drop.  In fact, you demanded he prove to you that he was thirsty.  This is the game of narcissists.  It's mental, psychological, and emotional abuse.

I've now been hospitalized twice--once against my will--and have four suicide attempts to my name. I'm now at a point where I can't function without medications and can't function around people at all. Wow, glad I could be there for you. How about returning the favor? No, she tried everything else under the sun except the only one thing I ever asked for and the only one thing I ever needed, and it was a small thing that friends do for each other all day, every day. I wasn't worth the effort, and she was trying to cripple me.  Mission accomplished.  What I got was a great big "fuck off."

Another narcissistic game: the silent treatment that goes on for days, weeks, or even months. Countless times did she do this to me. I was supposed to fall in line, or she disappeared again. It was punitive. This is a huge one. This is what narcissists do. So in this hell I was trapped in, the one person who should have been a light for me would disappear and leave me for dead. Days, weeks, months. Emotional and psychological warfare. The last time she did this to me, she popped back up to brag about things in her life, and, "Oh, by the way, how do you feel?" If I gave any response other than "fine," she disappeared again. She came back to brag. She didn't care about me at all and never did, though claiming at one time, "You know I love you, right?"  No, I don't.  You don't do what friends do.

I do know one thing: when someone knows they owe you an apology, they become obsessed with discrediting you, and that's exactly what she did. The rumors got back to me three times. That's what narcissists do. It is nothing short of mental and emotional abuse. It's torment. And they relish in that, the damage they do. And then they move on to someone else. I barely survived. And was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. I still have nightmares.  I'm owed an apology.  I'm owed several apologies.  And I'm owed one damn time to be allowed to talk about the things that are hurting me.  I'll never get that, and now it's too late for me anyway.  This is how some people end up hating the whole human race.  It happens just like this.  Shut your mouth, bitch.  You're incapable of telling the truth or caring about anyone but yourself.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Depression on Facebook

Okay, so the facebook page is going very well.  I'm still playing around with what I'd call my "format."  I'm trying to maintain a consistent look and posting style.  In radio, we would call this "imaging."  I'm not trying to make it impersonal or commercial, but even with causes and community groups, some sort of branding is involved and you need to help people identify you as a source, whether the thing you offer is a product, a service, or a cause.

And I'm having fun playing around with that anyway.  What a lot of groups on facebook are struggling to do is to make their pages more interactive.  FB has really squelched reach, in an effort to compel page owners to "pay to boost."  I don't mind this if it's a method applied only to commercial pages.  It should never be forced on community pages, particularly those mental health pages that are owned and operated by patients of mental health services.  Many of us are on fixed income or no income at all, and we do not generate revenue through our pages.

Due to their (facebook's) "Pay to Boost" efforts, the average reach of community and personal pages has now plummeted to about 7%.  Many pages, therefore have resorted to posting requests for followers to like and comment, so that the page's ranking goes up.  Following the lead of others, I composed my own meme, and it's a pretty comparable representation:

I've made a few and I varied the wording on each so that it doesn't get boring.  I also post them no more than once per day, but it's still tedious for both me and the people reading my page.  Basically, we're begging our followers to like and comment on nothing at all.  Believe me, we hate posting these requests.

The logic behind this is that reach is increased when followers interact with your posts.  If they like, comment, and/or share, your page's ranking goes up and more people see your posts to begin with.  If there's negative interaction such as "Hide Post," "Hide All Posts," or "Report as Spam," the page's ranking drops and their reach dwindles.

So that's why we're trying to find ways to make our pages more interactive and increase positive responses to our posts.  If you have a page you like, make sure you don't hold back on your clicks and comments.  Even commenting with one or two words helps that page's owner, and you'll see more of their posts.

When I first started my page back in May, I was posting two memes per day.   I realize people like more than one page, and I didn't want to obnoxiously be blasting people's feeds with a ton of posts and second-hand content shared from other pages.  Now I'm up to 8 posts per day, evenly spaced by 1 1/2 - 2 hours, and I keep shared content to a minimum.  Hope it's not becoming an annoyance.

So in an effort to make my page more interactive, I've started asking a question each day, and I've also changed my page settings to allow others to post to my wall.  As to that second thing, I'm still not sure about that.  I've seen other pages get hit with spam posts and with people posting links to their own pages.  I don't want that happening.  I share another facebook page once per day, and I only do it if I've looked the page over and think it's really good.  I also don't do it in order to get a share in return.  It's nice when it happens, but I never ask for it or expect it.

So no, I really don't want people to link their pages without asking me first.  I'll see how it goes there.  If I think it's getting out of hand, I'll disable that setting again.  Considerate people PM me first, asking me to share their page, but unfortunately, that's not everyone.  It's not even most.

So all I can do right now is keep putzing around with things until I get a format that works well.  And if something's not working, or people find something obnoxious or not particularly helpful, all I can do is hope they let me know before they unlike my page.