Tormented by a Narcissist

Why blog about my tormenter?  Because once again, rumors have gotten back to me.  I'm fed up.  Narcissists are always charismatic.  They're charming, and can influence people.  Everyone that meets you feels like they've found the lost island of Atlantis.  Wow, how could such a person exist?  What is the reason for this?  So that they can abuse and torment just one person as much as they want and to their heart's content, and no one will ever believe the victim.  This is similar to rapists who only ever rape old or fat or ugly or otherwise undesirable women.  Then you scream, "rape," and they stand there saying, "why on earth would I rape that??"  Well, because pussy is pussy, and every rapist knows that.  But with that kind of woman, he can get away with it.  No one will believe her.  Hence the charismatic narcissist.  You cry foul and look like a fool or outright crazy.  You're being gas-lighted.  So was I.

So my tormenter is spreading rumors about me, and half-truths.  Two other friends of ours, Tami and Kathy, were told all these lies and are convinced of their validity.  Did either think to ask my side?  Of course not.  Barb, you're telling everyone you moved me out to New York, and telling NO ONE that for staying in your house for three weeks, 1) I scrubbed the shit out of your house literally on my hands and knees, and 2) I paid you $740.  Why are you leaving all this out?  Because if you include this information, you can't make me look like the ungrateful leech you insist I was.  

What's really annoying is the claim that I am actually the narcissist.  Gee, if I'm the narcissist, why do YOU have all the symptoms?  I found out only recently that my former "friend," Barb, was a narcissist. "Friend" is in quotes because I only know now we were never friends.  Ever.  I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. I thought I had found a long-lost sister--that's how close things got. Then I see pages and articles on narcissism, and wow, everything right on down the line added up.  Check the symptoms above, or on any site about narcissism.  

In 2008, I descended into the deepest, darkest depression of my life, and I'm now 51. And what I needed was just someone to talk to. That's a friend, right?  It's not much to ask, and it's part and parcel of friendship, right?

Not with this friend. She never ever admitted to ever being wrong on anything. Ever.  More than that, I was never allowed to be right on anything.  At all.  Ever.  She was never wrong and nothing was ever her fault.  Narcissist.  That's 'classic narcissist.'

I tried to talk to her, and every single conversation was either 1) redirected back to her, talking about her, or 2) shut down completely like an iron gate. And this despite the fact that she told me about every problem she ever had in life, every whine and belly ache and butt hurt.  I submit in evidence: IMing me while at her in-laws, how they don't include her and how they make her feel inadequate (IMing me while in the room with them, both shady and slimy); every issue she ever had with her mother, too many to list; every issue she ever had with her father; how she's the black sheep never to be accepted by her parents, but yet the only one to step up while her mother was dying, because she is the victim; her two brothers--one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she doesn't have a good relationship; and omg, a 40-year-old man is after her 20-something daughter; her husband, Rob, who is beginning to display odd behavior--stock-piling bags of ice in the freezer like ice cubes are a key survivalist supply; how everyone at her church is jealous of her and thinks she's an ego-maniac and talks about her behind her back.  If I wasn't there for her each and every time, how do I know all this crap about her life?  Because every time she had a butt hurt, she came running to me, and I listened.

On and on and on, and I did the friend thing. I was there to listen every single time. At no point in time was she ever there for me, even as I BEGGED, that I needed to talk, I needed her to listen so I could get some things off my chest. I was in anguish. I got the door slammed in my face.  Narcissists are never ever there for you.  Ever.  Another symptom.

I should have seen a few signs, given she admits to sitting around laughing at people--the people on the news, Catholics (favorite target), etc, and only ever spoke about her husband in terms of money--how much he makes, how she's going to be "very well off when he dies," his promotion and how much more money he'll be making.  He's a sucker and doesn't even know it.  No problem, so was I.  A sucker.  And he's not blameless himself.

I got no encouragement or support, though I constantly had to fawn over her--she feels fat and her hair, she says, is 'frizzy.' I'm constantly encouraging her about that because she's self-conscious about her appearance. We're both into writing, and I'm encouraging her about that. I need encouragement and support, and get nothing at all but criticism and the door slammed in my face.  Narcissist.

I had to constantly hear about how her in-laws don't like her and people at her church are talking about her behind her back, to convince me she's the victim.   Of course she's the victim.  The narcissist is always the victim.  That's the narcissist's trademark and battle-cry.  Narcissist.

I'm in the darkest place of my life, and she can't see that. She can't see my loneliness or my desperate need for a confidant. All she can see is her needs and wants.  Narcissists never see beyond themselves and their own wants and whims.  Narcissist.

She never gave an inch but demanded a mile. Once she decided not to do something, there was no moving her. Everything had to go her way. Hey, all I need is someone to talk to. I am scared, angry, lonely, and in anguish. All I need is someone to talk to. That's what friends are for, and I've done it for you countless times. I get the door slammed in my face.  Narcissist. 

I went into psychological and emotional tailspin, and with my engines on fire and my plane heading for a mountain-side, she watched me go down in flames without a care in the world or any effort to help me.   In fact, she insisted on trying everything else but what I needed.  Only that which she was willing to do, because if you take a man stranded in the desert and you give him money or a new suit or an ipod, he'll still die slowly and painfully if denied water.  And more than that, he will have NEVER asked for money, clothes, or gadgets.  When he's not appreciative of those things, there will be a logically solid reason why.  And you will still have murdered him.  Because why you're giving him all those things he never needed and never asked for, you stood there with a cooler just full to bursting with water, and drinking bottle after bottle after bottle.  You didn't share a drop.  In fact, you demanded he prove to you that he was thirsty.  This is the game of narcissists.  It's mental, psychological, and emotional abuse.

I've now been hospitalized twice--once against my will--and have four suicide attempts to my name. I'm now at a point where I can't function without medications and can't function around people at all. Wow, glad I could be there for you. How about returning the favor? No, she tried everything else under the sun except the only one thing I ever asked for and the only one thing I ever needed, and it was a small thing that friends do for each other all day, every day. I wasn't worth the effort, and she was trying to cripple me.  Mission accomplished.  What I got was a great big "fuck off."

Another narcissistic game: the silent treatment that goes on for days, weeks, or even months. Countless times did she do this to me. I was supposed to fall in line, or she disappeared again. It was punitive. This is a huge one. This is what narcissists do. So in this hell I was trapped in, the one person who should have been a light for me would disappear and leave me for dead. Days, weeks, months. Emotional and psychological warfare. The last time she did this to me, she popped back up to brag about things in her life, and, "Oh, by the way, how do you feel?" If I gave any response other than "fine," she disappeared again. She came back to brag. She didn't care about me at all and never did, though claiming at one time, "You know I love you, right?"  No, I don't.  You don't do what friends do.

I do know one thing: when someone knows they owe you an apology, they become obsessed with discrediting you, and that's exactly what she did. The rumors got back to me three times. That's what narcissists do. It is nothing short of mental and emotional abuse. It's torment. And they relish in that, the damage they do. And then they move on to someone else. I barely survived. And was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. I still have nightmares.  I'm owed an apology.  I'm owed several apologies.  And I'm owed one damn time to be allowed to talk about the things that are hurting me.  I'll never get that, and now it's too late for me anyway.  This is how some people end up hating the whole human race.  It happens just like this.  Shut your mouth, bitch.  You're incapable of telling the truth or caring about anyone but yourself.