Why blog about my tormenter? Because once again, rumors have gotten back to me. I'm fed up. Narcissists are always charismatic. They're charming, and can influence people. Everyone that meets you feels like they've found the lost island of Atlantis. Wow, how could such a person exist? What is the reason for this? So that they can abuse and torment just one person as much as they want and to their heart's content, and no one will ever believe the victim. This is similar to rapists who only ever rape old or fat or ugly or otherwise undesirable women. Then you scream, "rape," and they stand there saying, "why on earth would I rape that??" Well, because pussy is pussy, and every rapist knows that. But with that kind of woman, he can get away with it. No one will believe her. Hence the charismatic narcissist. You cry foul and look like a fool or outright crazy. You're being gas-lighted. So was I.
So my tormenter is spreading rumors about me, and
half-truths. Two other friends of ours, Tami and Kathy,
were told all these lies and are convinced of their validity. Did either
think to ask my side? Of course not. Barb, you're telling everyone
you moved me out to New York, and telling NO ONE that for staying in your house
for three weeks, 1) I scrubbed the shit out of your house literally on my hands
and knees, and 2) I paid you $740. Why are you leaving all this out?
Because if you include this information, you can't make me look like the
ungrateful leech you insist I was.
What's really annoying is the claim that I
am actually the narcissist. Gee, if I'm the narcissist, why do YOU
have all the symptoms? I found out only recently that my former
"friend," Barb, was a narcissist. "Friend" is in
quotes because I only know now we were never friends. Ever. I knew
something was wrong but didn't know what it was. I thought I had found a
long-lost sister--that's how close things got. Then I see pages and articles on
narcissism, and wow, everything right on down the line added up. Check the symptoms above, or on any site about narcissism.
In 2008, I descended into the deepest, darkest
depression of my life, and I'm now 51. And what I needed was just someone to
talk to. That's a friend, right? It's not much to ask, and it's part and
parcel of friendship, right?
Not with this friend. She never ever admitted to
ever being wrong on anything. Ever. More than that, I was never
allowed to be right on anything. At all. Ever. She was never
wrong and nothing was ever her fault. Narcissist. That's 'classic narcissist.'
I tried to talk to her, and every single
conversation was either 1) redirected back to her, talking about her, or
2) shut down completely like an iron gate. And this despite the fact that she
told me about every problem she ever had in life, every whine and belly ache
and butt hurt. I submit in evidence: IMing me while at her in-laws, how
they don't include her and how they make her feel inadequate (IMing me while
in the room with them, both shady and slimy); every issue she ever had with
her mother, too many to list; every issue she ever had with her father; how
she's the black sheep never to be accepted by her parents, but yet the only one to
step up while her mother was dying, because she is the victim; her two
brothers--one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she doesn't have a
good relationship; and omg, a 40-year-old man is after her 20-something
daughter; her husband, Rob, who is beginning to display odd
behavior--stock-piling bags of ice in the freezer like ice cubes are a key
survivalist supply; how everyone at her church is jealous of her and thinks
she's an ego-maniac and talks about her behind her back. If I wasn't
there for her each and every time, how do I know all this crap about her
life? Because every time she had a butt hurt, she came running to me, and
I listened.
On and on and on, and I did the friend thing. I
was there to listen every single time. At no point in time was she ever there
for me, even as I BEGGED, that I needed to talk, I needed her to listen so I
could get some things off my chest. I was in anguish. I got the door slammed in
my face. Narcissists are never ever there for you. Ever.
Another symptom.
I should have seen a few signs, given she admits
to sitting around laughing at people--the people on the news, Catholics
(favorite target), etc, and only ever spoke about her husband in terms of
money--how much he makes, how she's going to be "very well off when he
dies," his promotion and how much more money he'll be making. He's a
sucker and doesn't even know it. No problem, so was I. A sucker. And he's not blameless himself.
I got no encouragement or support, though I
constantly had to fawn over her--she feels fat and her hair, she says, is
'frizzy.' I'm constantly encouraging her about that because she's
self-conscious about her appearance. We're both into writing, and I'm
encouraging her about that. I need encouragement and support, and get nothing
at all but criticism and the door slammed in my face. Narcissist.
I had to constantly hear about how her in-laws don't like her and people at her
church are talking about her behind her back, to convince me she's the victim.
Of course she's the victim. The narcissist is always the victim. That's the narcissist's trademark and battle-cry. Narcissist.
I'm in the darkest place of my life, and she
can't see that. She can't see my loneliness or my desperate need for a
confidant. All she can see is her needs and wants. Narcissists never see
beyond themselves and their own wants and whims. Narcissist.
She never gave an inch but demanded a mile. Once
she decided not to do something, there was no moving her. Everything had to go
her way. Hey, all I need is someone to talk to. I am scared, angry, lonely, and
in anguish. All I need is someone to talk to. That's what friends are for, and
I've done it for you countless times. I get the door slammed in my face.
Narcissist.
I went into psychological and emotional tailspin,
and with my engines on fire and my plane heading for a mountain-side, she
watched me go down in flames without a care in the world or any effort to help
me. In fact, she insisted on trying everything else but what I needed. Only that which she was willing to do, because if you take a man stranded in the desert and you give him money or a new suit or an ipod, he'll still die slowly and painfully if denied water. And more than that, he will have NEVER asked for money, clothes, or gadgets. When he's not appreciative of those things, there will be a logically solid reason why. And you will still have murdered him. Because why you're giving him all those things he never needed and never asked for, you stood there with a cooler just full to bursting with water, and drinking bottle after bottle after bottle. You didn't share a drop. In fact, you demanded he prove to you that he was thirsty. This is the game of narcissists. It's mental, psychological, and emotional abuse.
I've now been hospitalized twice--once against my will--and have four
suicide attempts to my name. I'm now at a point where I can't function without
medications and can't function around people at all. Wow, glad I could be there
for you. How about returning the favor? No, she tried everything else under the
sun except the only one thing I ever asked for and the only one thing I ever needed,
and it was a small thing that friends do for each other all day, every day. I
wasn't worth the effort, and she was trying to cripple me. Mission
accomplished. What I got was a great big "fuck off."
Another narcissistic game: the silent treatment
that goes on for days, weeks, or even months. Countless times did she do this
to me. I was supposed to fall in line, or she disappeared again. It was
punitive. This is a huge one. This is what narcissists do. So in this hell I
was trapped in, the one person who should have been a light for me would
disappear and leave me for dead. Days, weeks, months. Emotional and
psychological warfare. The last time she did this to me, she popped back up to
brag about things in her life, and, "Oh, by the way, how do you
feel?" If I gave any response other than "fine," she disappeared
again. She came back to brag. She didn't care about me at all and never did,
though claiming at one time, "You know I love you, right?" No,
I don't. You don't do what friends do.
I do know one thing: when someone knows they owe you an
apology, they become obsessed with discrediting you, and that's exactly what
she did. The rumors got back to me three times. That's what narcissists do. It
is nothing short of mental and emotional abuse. It's torment. And they relish
in that, the damage they do. And then they move on to someone else. I barely
survived. And was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. I still have
nightmares. I'm owed an apology. I'm owed several apologies.
And I'm owed one damn time to be allowed to talk about the things that are
hurting me. I'll never get that, and now it's too late for me anyway. This is how some people end up hating the whole human race. It happens just like this. Shut your mouth, bitch. You're incapable of telling the truth or caring about anyone but yourself.
