I took
the Narcissist quiz developed by Robert Raskin and Howard Terry. I scored a 2. Per that quiz, scores over 20 indicate a narcissist. You have to answer each question honestly or the quiz is no good. There's the inherent flaw in the quiz. Narcissists lie. That's their modus operandi. How does anyone score over 20 on this test? People who are not NPD will score low, and those with NPD will still score under 20 because they will lie. Unless their intelligence is very low, they can easily tell which answers will cast them in a bad (in other words, an accurate) light. Unlikely, since intelligence is a requirement for narcissism. They're not stupid. By a long shot.
Despite the fact that this test was devised by qualified professionals, and despite my very favorable score, I didn't believe it to be an accurate gauge of narcissism. In many ways, it was like one of those user-created quizzes on facebook. All the available answers were so transparent, one could easily lie by selecting the response that is more virtuous, rendering the result meaningless.
I follow a few narcissism pages on facebook, and what I find troubling is that many of the traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are traits I also possess. So finally realizing that my best friend, a person I came to view in every imaginable way as a full-blood sister, was a narcissist--a "Malignant Narcissist"--I came to realize that I also might be one, too.
Shit.
So I took that online test, and was briefly comforted by that score of 2. No, it might not be an accurate measure at all. I have to dig deeper, even if I "get some on me."
I began scouring reputable sources for information, and came up with wildly varying lists, from 10 to 50. I pulled them all, eliminating duplicates, and will go one by one through the list, comparing my traits and my ex-friend's traits. Also, traits/signs that are specific to romantic relationships have been discarded, as they don't pertain here.
The higher the score, the more narcissism that exists. Perhaps at the end, I'll find out that we were just two raving narcissists that clashed on multiple occasions over the course of four years. Wish me luck.
MN = Malignant Narcissist. MEWA = Most Evil Woman Alive, a nickname/acronym playfully given to my ex-friend by another friend (who's since passed away) back in the days when I didn't know what the hell was going on. It's appropriate now, considering I see it as 100% accurate. Also, the score will be added after each question, and not only at the end. I'm just not good at math, and this will be much easier for me.
In addition, I'm always listed first. Because if I'm going to accuse someone of something, I first need to look at me. I could also be guilty. I already know she's a narcissist. The point of this exercise is actually to consider whether I'm a narcissist, too. And here we go....
1) MN blames everyone but themselves.
ME: I will blame others if I feel others are culpable. I will also blame myself if I know damn well I've been the instrument of my own undoing. And yes, the latter is frequently the case.
Score: 0
MEWA: Will rarely own a mistake or error. Overwhelmingly, will blame another person or blame a circumstance she has deemed as being beyond her control, whether it actually is or not. Does not blame others as an absolute, so I'm scoring a fraction here.
Score: .75
2) MN refuses to be accountable for their bad behavior. Excuses everything they do.
ME: I've caught myself doing this on occasion, though rarely. I'm also virtually a hermit right now, so I don't have a lot of opportunity for this either.
Score: .25
MEWA: Excuses everything she does, no matter how well you prove your point, no matter how egregious the behavior or who it harms.
Score: 1.75
3)
MN believes they're always right.
ME: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll no. Now, if I'm convinced I'm right, you can bet your ass I'll hang on like a spider monkey. Why? Because there's no virtue in conceding to wrongness for the sake of diplomacy, but more than that, I am NEVER EVER EVER allowed to be right about anything on earth or in outer space. This drives me up a damn wall. The default position is that I'm wrong, and we immediately act upon that unless/until 1) I am proven right, or 2) my opinion/position is verified by outside sources. I could be right a hundred times and she'll never admit it even once. She could be wrong a hundred times and never admit it even once. I could take a point on this one, but I'm not going to. I'm pissed the fuck off, I don't hang on with petty things, and even more than that, when I'm wrong, I own the hell out of that. Holding steady at....
Score: .25
MEWA: Absolutely never ever ever admits being wrong on anything at all. Ever. Not even as a joke. Not on marshmallows or nuclear bombs, or anything in between. It doesn't matter what the issue or topic, she's right and I'm wrong. I could hit her with 2 points on this one, she's so unmovable, but I won't.
Score: 2.75
4) MN is unable to empathize with others' feelings and needs.
ME: I empathize too much. I hear about someone else's problems or some tragic event, and I sit there stewing over it, crawling all up inside it until I've made myself sick to my stomach and have a raging headache.
Score: .25
MEWA: I know from experience--from begging and pleading in desperation that I need somebody to talk to--I WAS SUICIDAL, 4 ATTEMPTS--and got the door slammed in my face. She has 0 capacity for empathy. It's as though she has no soul.
Score: 3.75
5) MN is out of touch with their own feelings.
ME: No, I feel mine too much. I argue that sane people are a
range of emotions, and that people who are happy all the time are deranged, and I stick to that opinion.
Score: .25
MEWA: Not so much, not that I could see, but she doesn't show other emotions around other people. Still not a gig, and she's holding at.....
Score: 3.75
6) MN carries grudges.
ME: Here's one I'm going to have to own. I carry a grudge haaaaaaaaaaarrrddddd. I'll take the hit.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: Also carries grudges. Every problem she told me about was some slight done to her years ago, mostly familial but some by friends. Still, I think I carry one so much better than she does, so she gets a fraction on this one, just a half a point.
Score: 4.25
7) Everything's all about MN, their time, money, and wants.
ME: No. I'm a doormat and always defer conversations to being about the other person. If I'm having a problem, yeah, I'd tell you about it, especially by email or IM. Face-to-face, not so much. Now, I won't do it at all. After my experience with MEWA, never ever again in my life will I tell anyone anything of substance or value about me. No one gets inside the perimeter ever again. I got burned too hard. But no, I never was one to go on and on about myself. This is why I also loathe one-on-one conversations. There has to be at least three people, and they better be holding up the conversation all by themselves. Do I control situations so that all focus and efforts are toward my needs and wants? No, I don't do that either.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: Yes, yes, and yes, both in conversations and concerted efforts. It's as though she calculates her wants minute-by-minute, and that becomes a quest for us both.
Score: 5.25
8) MN is unwilling to listen.
ME: Because I know what it's like to have something eating away at you, and needing desperately to tell someone, I ALWAYS listen. I've had people pour their hearts out to me at a bus stop. And MEWA has told me problem after problem after problem: all her issues with her mother, updates on what happened all the times she visited her mother in the hospital while she was dying, her issues with her father, issues with her brothers--one of whom is a criminal and the other with whom she does not have a good relationship, how she feels like a fish in a bowl with all the women at her church and how they talk about her, how some 40-something man was after her 20-something daughter, how she's concerned with her husband's behavior because he's been saving bags of ice in the freezers, on and on and on. I was there. I NEVER shut someone down or shut them out. I listen. Still at....
Score 1.25
MEWA: Totally, completely, 100% unwilling to listen. She all but told me to fuck off. And told me it was for my own good that she would not be there when I needed to vent. This is the one main reason it all fell apart, and why I ended up in the hospital twice. Listening is basic. Listening is what friends do. There is NO excuse. She gets double points for this one.
Score: 7.25
9) MN constantly tells you what to do.
ME: Ordering people around? No.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: Yes. She orchestrates all around her, especially with family. Her daughter is grown, but she exercises a great deal of control over her life, and her husband as well. She'd deny it to her last breath, but would still be full of shit. With friends, she obviously can't enforce control, but manipulates and punishes to control.
Score: 8.25
10) MN makes you feel like you're not good enough.
ME: I know for a fact I don't do this to anyone.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: Yes, but I can't swear it's intentional, so I'll give her a pass on this one. I could just be overly paranoid or seeing something that isn't there. I always see myself as being below others.
Score: 8.25
11) MN never asks about you, your day, your feelings, etc.
ME: I don't go out of my way with this anymore. In addition to no longer telling anyone about my life or problems, I guess it follows that my interest in the lives and problems of others falls by the wayside. I do still ask my friends how they are, especially my friend back in PA who has chronic health problems. I suppose I'm about normal in this regard. I don't ask people, "how are you?" for the purpose of having them say, "I'm fine," like call-and-response. If I ask, I actually want to know.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: She will always ask how you are. If you answer with anything other than, "I'm fine," some punitive action will follow. Knowing that you are lying because you realize she doesn't give a rat's ass to learn the truth, that makes no difference to her at all. "I'm fine" is the only acceptable answer. Ever.
Score: 9.25
12) MN goes on and on about how good they are, bragging and gloating.
ME: I am very uncomfortable with this, because it will be met (usually) with some sort of compliment. If I do tell you, I will usually debase myself afterward or quickly change the subject, usually to the other person. My self-esteem is shot to shit.
Score: 1.25
MEWA: Constant bragging and gloating. After her last silent treatment (which lasted a week) she renewed contact with me for the sole purpose of gloating. She will brag about herself, her husband, and her daughter, as well as her church. Gloat, gloat, gloat. About money, status, promotions, graduations, successes of every shape and flavor. If she was in the army, she'd be stationed at Fort Bragg.
Score: 10.25
13) MN lies or twists the truth.
ME: No twisting the truth, but yes, I'll lie my ass off if it's a case of something that doesn't pertain to you or affect you at all, but preserves my privacy. You just don't need to know my business. For instance, when I went into the hospital in January of 2014 (my second hospital admission and the only voluntary one), I told my neighbor that I was out of state visiting a friend, and instructed my son to tell that same lie to whomever asked. A lie is a lie, though. Half point for lying, 0 for not twisting.
Score: 1.75
MEWA: Twisting the truth, yes. In spades. It's only because her perception is so skewed for bias, that no thought, event, or opinion can pass through it and come out straight on the other side. As to lies, I know of at least one lie of omission, and it pertains to me and makes me mad as hell. I was living in PA and doing very badly. She suggested I move to Buffalo, and let me stay with her until I found an apartment. She tells people this, but does NOT tell them that for staying with her for three weeks, I 1) cleaned the shit out of her house--floors on hands and knees, scrubbed her bathrooms and laundry room to within an inch of their lives, emptied and scrubbed all cabinets in the kitchen and bathrooms
inside and out, emptied and scrubbed the refrigerator inside and out, and was doing laundry, and 2) that I paid her $740. That burns my ass. Her rumors have gotten back to me three times. And the omission was to make me appear to be an ungrateful cunt.
And lies, yes. In spades. I had to think on this one a lot harder. That original persona, the wonderful person that I found never existed. HUGE LIE. Mirroring, and then the mask falls off. I asked her point-blank what happened to the person I met and why did she kill her off. I had no idea at the time what I was dealing with. This woman is incapable of honesty.
Score: 13.25
14) MN manipulates.
ME: This is another one I'd like to think I'm squeaky clean on, but I'll admit to doing it on occasion, though it took inner-reflection after the fact to realize it. I'd say it's done on a subconscious level, and wasn't intended or malicious. Regardless, I can't stand manipulation. I honestly don't think I deserve more than a half a point on this one, but I'll take a whole one, just to be sure.
Score: 2.75
MEWA: Holy mother of Jeebus. I think monitoring your 20-something daughter's facebook page and even logging in to it when your daughter has accidentally left herself signed in is quite manipulative. And this is just one example. Cops to manipulating her husband on occasion, though she does it quite a lot. Drives him like a car, and he's oblivious. Holy shit, she buys 2 points on this one. Sorry, but holy fuck.
Score: 15.25
15) MN tells people different versions of a story, making themselves look good.
ME: No. This is foreign to me.
Score: 2.75
MEWA: No as well. Successive tellings of a particular story might get slightly more grandiose, but was never a problem. Happens with many--every time you tell the story, the fish gets a little longer. The actual story doesn't vary. No problem, and unintentional.
Score: 15.25
16) MN talks about people with regard to what they do rather than who they are.
ME: No. And I'm aware of this, as I was a roommate/friend with two women about 15 years ago when I was working at the local radio station. They introduced me to everyone they knew, in this fashion: "This is our friend, Yvette. She works at the radio station." Huge turnoff when it's done like that.
Score: 2.75
MEWA: She's very aware of status, and occupation is very important to her, as it indicates how much money you make. But, no, she doesn't talk about people in these terms. Just goes out of her way to find out what they do, especially if they're interested in her daughter. She believes in arranged marriages, and thinks she should have a role in whom her daughter dates or marries. Bizarre. Still not worth more than a half a point.
Score: 15.75
17) MN mistrusts others.
ME: Yes. Totally. There isn't a person on earth I'd trust with the smallest matter, and not as far as I could throw them. I expect anything out of anyone at any point in time. I divulge nothing, as any little thing could be used against me. Trust in others is at 0%, and I'll take 2 strikes against me for this one. Glad to do it. Stay outside my perimeter at all times. I wouldn't trust a soul with a cupcake. Nooooooooooo.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Trust never seemed to be an issue with her. She lost mine but I never saw her as overly distrustful of others.
Score: 15.75
18) MN does not take part in any kind of activity they do not like or have no interest in.
ME: I will make every attempt to do things that others like, though I don't like them or have never tried them. The only exception is eating bizarre foods--I'm not Andrew Zimmern, I have a fully functional gag-reflex. And the other exception is any exercise in stupidity. I don't engage in fuckedup-edness of any kind. I won't go out drinking or drugging with you, and whoring around and stealing are out of the question. There's a reason my life is virtually drama-free. I don't and won't get caught up in bullshit.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Will not do anything that she doesn't like, including always picking the restaurant. In spades. I once asked her if she'd come along with me fishing. She could sit in her lawn chair and read or we could talk. Never would she even consider it. If we went out do to anything at all, she picked the activity and the place. Every single time.
Score: 16.75
19) MN takes advantage of others.
ME: No. Honestly, no. For example, for my birthday, my neighbor is taking me and my son to the Chinese buffet. However, she also tried to buy me a carton of cigarettes. They're only $17.50 where I live, but I gave her the money. Then she tried stuffing it inside the carton. I discovered it, and put it back on the table before I left. No, I feel like dirt when people do things for me and I cannot reciprocate in kind. And since I have no income right now, I can't really reciprocate. I'm just not devious in this fashion.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: You cannot be in her life unless you're serving a purpose, whether it's attention, adoration, monetary, or what have you. Does she go out of her way to exploit that advantage? With her husband, yes. With everybody else, not so much. Still worth half a point. If you're not bringing something to the table, you've got to go.
Score: 17.25
20) MN is controlling.
ME: No. I wish I could control something. I have zero control in my own life. Honestly, no. Not even a little bit.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Holy fuck. If it's in orbit around her, she must have total control. This is a person who believes she should choose a man for her daughter, and she drives her husband like a car. Holy shit. That's two points, and she's getting off easy. Was trying to dance me around like a puppet on a string. This more than anything else should have been enough to show me what I was dealing with, and not being fully aware what all narcissism is, I missed it completely. Holy friggin' fuck.
Score: 19.25
21) MN is all about image and how they look to others.
ME: I walk around in two tore-up winter coats, one worn on top of the other, looking homeless. If it's clean and it fits, I'll wear it. I should post a picture. Status, possessions, wealth mean nothing to me. I'm not at all dazzled by sparkly things.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Money, status, possessions mean everything to her. Just to illustrate, she got an ebook published, a novella about 60 or so pages long, with an online publisher where you design your own cover. So obviously, NOT Random House. Still, she had a photographer do up a set of headshots for her. Overkill. Way. 100% fueled by ego and image. Headshots? Holy shit. In addition, she had bookmarks printed up with one of her headshots on it, and mugs with the cover photo on it. Well aren't we fabulous. Who the fuck does that??? Her head wouldn't fit in an airplane hangar without touching the sides.
Score: 21.25
22) MN has no sense of right and wrong.
ME: Very very strong sense of right and wrong. Very. Overly strict for most people, even posers. Screwed myself over on many occasion trying to adhere to 'the code.'
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Somewhat has a sense, but it's bizarre in spots. I'd say it's good for half a point. Thinking Christians can do whatever they want and still go to heaven, and non-Christians are the only ones who have to abide the commandments. Yeah, fucked up.
Score: 21.75
23) MN is a conversation hoarder. When you try to talk about your problems or things bothering you, do they bend the conversation back to them, talking about themselves?
ME: I don't like the conversation on me at all, and constantly steer it outward whenever and wherever possible. When I was desperately trying to talk through my issues, yes, I'd be trying to talk about me. That always got shut down like an iron gate. No more. I'll never try to confide in another human being again as long as I live. Goes hand-in-hand with my shitty sense of self-esteem.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Another 'holy fuck' moment. Where do I begin? Every single fucking time without a single exception, the conversation is steered back to her, yanked if necessary, dragged kicking and screaming. Resistance is futile. Two points, and again, getting off easy.
Score: 23.75
24) One-upping.
ME: No. I can't recall me doing this even once.
Score: 4.75
MEWA: Yes, must always be on top. Not one of our major issues though. I'll keep it to half a point. Score:
24.25
25) Acting jealous.
ME: Yes, I can cop to being jealous. I have absolutely nothing in life, and always think how much easier things would be if I had enough money to pay my bills and go fishing. Jealous of those who have someone in their life? Very. Very much so. I'm alone and will die alone, and that thought haunts me like a demon. Jealous of possessions, no. I'm not into jewelry at all, and gadgets, not really. My laptop, and that's about it. I'll take a point on this one, though I'm sure a half a point would do.
Score: 5.75
MEWA: Not really.
Score: 24.25
26) MN is critical and judgmental.
ME: Extremely.
Score: 6.75
MEWA: Slightly less extremely.
Score: 25
27) MN does not know or value the real you, and doesn't want to.
ME: If there's just nothing to you, no depth, dimension, or substance, I don't want to know you. And yes, I know that sounds bad. Sorry, but the point of this exercise is to be honest, and here, it spares me a point. I both want to know and value the real you, not the bullshit you that we all put on when around others.
Score: 6.75
MEWA: Does not want to dig deep with anyone at all. Demands you fake everything for her. This was another huge point of contention, and I told her more than once, "Don't ask any questions you don't want honest answers to." Pissed me off. Hard.
Score: 27
28) MN acts as if the world should revolve around them.
ME: No way. Not even a little bit. Some consideration would be nice.
Score: 6.75
MEWA: You are either a moon in her orbit or you're shot dead out of the sky.
Score: 29
29) MN appears phony.
ME: Not even enough for my own good.
Score: 6.75
MEWA: Not in the beginning and that's how she reeled me in. Boy, did she do a 180 overnight, and it was first apparent on her facebook page. She completely stopped posting natural-sounding, casual, down-to-earth posts about family and friends, replaced her picture with one of those fake-ass, pretentious headshots, and started posting like an ego-maniacal automaton. In many ways, this MN murdered the woman who had become my sister, and left behind this hideous corpse.
Score:31
30) Wild, extreme mood swings.
ME: Yes. Totally wish I could lie about this one. God would strike me dead with a lightning bolt. And it got worse as time wore on and I realized my friend was dead.
Score: 7.75
MEWA: No. Always even-tempered. Never losing it. She's like the person who never gets into a car accident, but leaves massive, twisted wreckage in her wake. Her purpose was to set me off, not to flip out herself. One would think that even moods were more narcissistic, but that's not the information I found, so she gets off scot-free here.
Score: 31
31) MN is competitive.
ME: Not really. I guess it depends on the nature of the competition, but no, not really competitive. And I'm so used to losing, it's never a surprise.
Score: 7.75
MEWA: Yes, and she admits it. It doesn't matter the contest or the stakes, she must prevail. She will throw herself into it 100%, and if she doesn't come out on top, it's like she hates herself. She loves to excel in something that she's never done before, because it's such a slap in the face to others who have been at it for years, and lost to her. Totally.
Score: 33
32) MN always has to have things their way.
ME: Again, so used to not getting things my way, that I'm surprised when on rare occasion, it actually happens.
Score: 7.75
MEWA: Yes, must orchestrate all proceedings. Totally.
Score: 35
33) Rules do not apply to the MN.
ME: When someone skirts the rules, no matter how small, it burns my ass for days.
Score: 7.75
MEWA: Sees herself as part of a very select group of people for whom the rules do not apply. See Christian reference above.
Score: 37
34) MN has disregard for others' feelings, thoughts, opinions, possessions.
ME: No. Opinions sometimes, if I think they're batshit crazy or they're about one of my trigger issues, like pornography or drug use. Yeah, I'll come out swinging and won't be polite about it at all. With everything else, I have total regard and respect. I deserve a half point.
Score: 8.25
MEWA: Possessions, not so much, but with everything else, oh hells yeah. See above, #1-33. Just a totally self-obsessed bitch. Should hit her with 2 on this one, but I'll restrain myself. Wait, sorry, no. She deserves 2 and will get 2. Fuck it. The truth is the truth, and this one's part of her wickedness.
Score: 39
35) Trophy complex: This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically,
sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially,
professionally, academically, or culturally.
ME: No. I never understood this kind of thing.
Score: 8.25
MEWA: Yeeeeeeeeeeeessss. I obviously can't say anything about 'sexually.' Everything else, hell the fuck yeah, especially religiously and financially. I was told about her husband's job as in he makes a shitload of money, his promotion and another shitload of money, and that when he dies, she'll be "quite well off." Told me her husband's health problems, including a previous issue with colon cancer, were likely due to the chemicals he's exposed to at work, but she'd never want him to quit because he wants her to have nice things, and that his pay keeps her "living in a manner to which (she's) accustomed." That job could be killing her husband, but look at all that above. Every single time she's talked about her husband, it's been in terms of money. Wicked and soulless as fuck. She gets 2 just for that.
Score: 41
36) Entitlement. MN expects preferential treatment from others.
ME: No. It would be nice once in a while, but I expect it not at all.
Score: 8.25
MEWA: Yes. Totally. From every conceivable direction.
Score: 43
37) Charismatic, charming, persuasive.
ME: Every once in a while, I can pull off the charming thing, but a definite 'no' on the others. Not worth more than a quarter of a point.
Score: 8.50
MEWA: Yes, on all three. Especially the first one. She's very charismatic, particularly from the church angle.
Score: 45
38) Exaggerated sense of self-importance.
ME: I have an exaggerated sense of being worthless, of no merit or consequence. It actually works in my favor here.
Score: 8.50
MEWA: See section above wherein she published a 60-page novella, and proceeded to get bookmarks, mugs, and headshots done. The only way she could have gone more overboard was if she had commissioned a sky-writing, and I don't spend a lot of time looking up, so I can't swear that she hadn't.
Score: 47
39) MN spreads and arouses negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance.
ME: I've told too many lies to build someone up, this person in particular, especially when I had to fawn over her, trying to alleviate her concerns over her weight and appearance. It's a definite 'no' on this one. I don't like to make people feel shitty about themselves or be divisive.
Score: 8.50
MEWA: Yes, especially from the church angle. This is why she never comforts, supports, or encourages.
Score: 47
40) MN desires and displays high status through material items.
ME: See above, where I explain that my coat is actually two coats worn on top of one another, and both are ratty as hell. I have very few material items to display, unless the high status I want to exhibit is that of a homeless person. My car is an eleven-year-old Aveo. There's only one other more modest vehicle on the planet, and it's lashed to a team of oxen.
Score: 8.50
MEWA: Yes, gadgets and gizmos galore. She enjoys posturing. Denies it, but does it. She orders underwear off the internet, and doing so while living within driving distance of 5 Walmarts. Seriously? Underwear? Designer underwear. Mmkay.
Score: 49
41) On Facebook, they have lots of friends, self-promoting, broader networks.
ME: I have 16 friends on facebook, and a message in my banner to not send any friend requests. Facebook is a joke, imo. Sorry. I don't like knowing or being around lots of people. I should probably be penalized for going too far in the opposite direction. I'm becoming misogynistic by the second.
Score: 8.50
MEWA: Had over 1,500 when we stopped speaking. And her posts are all reviews and advertisements of one kind or another.
Score: 51
This is my facebook banner. Does this look like the banner of someone trying to collect friends on that site?
42) Averse to criticism.
ME: Depending on the criticism, I can be either self-effacing or very defensive and hurt. I'll take a half point on this one. I do it, just not across the board in all instances. I'm definitely touchier about my writing.
Score: 9
MEWA: Yes. Not any worse than me, though, so it'll be the same half a point.
Score: 51.50
43) Defensiveness and reactive anger if they are not recognized or don't get their way.
ME: If I don't get my way? No. Not at all. Defensiveness and reactive anger about other things? Yes, but that's not the question, so I don't have to eat a point here.
Score: 9
MEWA: Defensiveness, yes. Anger, reactive or otherwise, no. She's very even-tempered. Half point.
Score: 52
44) Money-lust. MN loves nice things.
ME: I desire money only insofar as I wouldn't constantly be living on the very verge of homelessness or getting something shut off or having to go to the food bank at the end of every month. I don't dream of wealth.
Score: 9
MEWA: Totally. As I said before, the only times she ever talked to me about her husband, it was in terms of money. Ego, money, and status are all that matter to her.
Score: 54
45) MN needs constant admiration, fawning, and reassurance.
ME: Encouragement would be nice. Do I need it? Yes. Who doesn't? Am I high maintenance or demand constant attention? No. Do I get it either way? No, and least of all from MEWA.
Score: 9
MEWA: Yes, her weight, her hair, her clothes (the dreaded culottes), her writing, on and on and on. I always had to fawn over her. Always.
Score: 56
46) Silent treatments that go on for days, weeks, and months.
ME: No. This is childish. Wildly so.
Score: 9
MEWA: All the God Damn mother friggin' time. Days, weeks, months. Totally ignoring me. I called her on it, and she denied it was punitive, though it always followed some perceived infraction of mine. Gigged two points, one for doing this to me with fervor and elan, and the other for lying about it.
Score: 58
47) MN does not reflect on or examine themselves.
ME: I spent hours working on this. Proof that I do entirely too much reflecting on and examining myself for faults and errors.
Score: 9
MEWA: Um, no. She defaults to the idea that what she thinks, says, and does is 100% correct, and just goes from there. No inner-reflection or examination at all.
Score: 60
48) MN never apologizes for anything.
ME: I've apologized to enemies, including this one--MEWA. That's how I was raised.
Score: 9
MEWA: You'd have better luck pulling stars out of the sky and lightning bolts out of a dog's butt than getting an apology from her. No matter what she does, this is where her line is drawn--apologies. Will never happen. And as my father taught me, a person who will not apologize is weak. You will have those who will begrudgingly apologize if prodded, but only if you'll agree to swap apologies. They apologize for what is owed, and you have to come up with something to apologize to them for, as though in doing that, you both come out even and it costs them nothing. That's also weak, but MEWA won't even go that far.
Score: 62
49) Avoids intimacy at all costs. (Does not refer here to sexual intimacy. Refers to getting close to any other person on any real level.)
ME: I get sucked in almost immediately. I consider this a flaw and a defect, and I'm actively working to correct it.
Score: 9
MEWA: Does not go deep with any other human being on earth. This was another chronic complaint of mine, and not realizing at the time that I was dealing with a Malignant Narcissist, I had no idea that it was a common symptom of NPD. You ride on the absolute outside with MEWA at all times. Friendship is a purely facial relationship. No talking, no confiding, nothing at all. To her, friendship meant that you went out to eat and you went shopping together. Beyond that, you served a purpose for her. In my case, I was beta-reading for her. Once I'd finished her manuscript, her critiques on my writing just turned to shit, 100% fueled by ego, and not nearly as thorough as they'd been in the past, and she no longer needed me for anything anymore. There was no 'getting to know you.' Has a truly bizarre idea of what friendship is, and it's all one way--her way.
Score: 64
50) Harbors sadistic fantasies in which they have control or power over others.
ME: I have to eat some points on this one. Some of the fantasies are very disturbing. They involve righting many of the things I consider wrong--mostly in very brutal ways, and getting revenge on those who have hurt me deeply. This is a new criteria I just found, and I hate to have to add it, but I don't do myself any favors if I don't do a thorough examination. I deserve 2 points for this one.
Score: 11
MEWA: Not that I could say. If she ever did, she kept it to herself or hid it very well, just as I did.
Score: 64
So that's it. Not as good as the 2 I scored on the online quiz, but this one's more accurate, in my opinion. I did better at the end than in the beginning and middle. In the middle, I thought I might catch up to her.
Yes, I have some narcissistic tendencies. That doesn't make me happy, but I can easily see who was the problem here. All the torment and abuse I suffered was not imagined. At least now, I know what NPD is and how to spot it. Next time, I run fast and far in the opposite direction. Take it from me, it's absolutely terrifying to let someone get that far and deep into your head and heart. Never ever again.
